Let me preface this with a reaffirmation of the title. I’m drunk, so there are bound to be typos are idiocy below.
I’m so glad I’m white. Even when people are racist to me they feel like they have to be nice. That’s always a weird feeling when someone is being nice through gritted teeth, but I know a lot of people deal with so much worse. I get more shit for being young and for being poor than I do for my race of gender. Time will fix one of those, but I’ll probably always be poor.
9:53: I’ve finished three beers and I’m onto the fourth. I guess I’ll probably drink all of these. I still haven’t accomplished anything. I’ve been listening to This American Life if you’re wondering where that last paragraph came from. It was a piece from an Arab that lives in a Jewish neighborhood in Jerusalem. He ran into a bunch of, what I would call, light racism. The guy at the mattress store was racist, thinking he was probably dumb, and he spent tons of money renovating his apartment, but it turned out that his wife was just trying to change something so their family would fit in. I’m always touched by the nature of the way people experience racism. It’s not often violent, though sometimes it is, but it always make you fully aware of how much you don’t fit in and there’s something wrong with you. I think that feeling of fitting in is some weird intrinsic vibe that people feel between each other. It’s the feeling that as long as you follow the basic, easy to follow social conventions you’ll be alright. That same feeling, something in our brains that is meant to warn us if someone is an outside and might be dangerous, isn’t something you can explain to someone that always experiences it, but once you realize what it’s like to outside the group you realize how much it hurts to experience racism. We all need and want to feel that we fit in, even if we’re natural outsiders, so it hurts, a lot, to feel like you shouldn’t be somewhere; especially if you don’t belong because of something instinct and natural to who you are. Things like race, gender, or sexual orientation. Once you feel like you can’t change the fact that people radiate the vibe of you being an outsider just because of who your are you feel like you need to get away, but there are so many reasons people can’t get away. The fact is, you shouldn’t have to get away just to fit in, that’s bullshit. It’s the little things that hurt. Obviously violence and racist epithets don’t help, but you get past one asshole in the crowd. You can’t get past the feeling that other people you run into don’t think you fit in either, even if they don’t do anything explicitly horrible. That’s what I think people don’t understand about racism. It’s an ethereal vibe between us all that let’s someone know if they fit in. You can feel when you don’t and when you do. We all need to do our best to give off the right vibe, even if we don’t think we’re racist.