So I’ve been really, really bored lately. I don’t feel like doing much, but I did manage to make this monstrosity. It’s not particularly appealing, but it’s what I’ve got in me right now. I normally wouldn’t post something I dislike this much, but I haven’t posted anything for a while so here’s this.
I recently realized that the context that I came to realize life is pointless colors my reaction to it more than the truth of the statement itself. I haven’t believed life had a point for a long time. I don’t know that I ever fully understood what life having meaning implied, but I certainly have found myself to be indoctrinated to believe that life has an ultimate purpose. It’s this belief, or at least acceptance, in life having a meaning that colors my reaction. I’m disappointed. Life doesn’t have a purpose and for much of my life I’ve searched for that purpose, or, perhaps, believed I knew it, and the acceptance that there is no purpose has lead to serious disappoint for me. The meaning, the purpose of life seems so grand. The idea that there was something we could towards that could pull us toward some ultimate meaning drove many of my beliefs and actions. I realized a few days ago that my disappointment is one of two reactions I could have to life lacking any meaning. When life has a meaning and purpose you’re not truly free, you feel like you must work toward that goal or ultimate purpose, but there’s true freedom, as much as we can ever be said to be free which isn’t much, in life not having a purpose. You can work towards anything, you choose the meaning. My problem is that I don’t have dream, I can’t ever seem to find a purpose. There’s nothing that I feel is worth working towards, so my little revelation is ultimately fruitless for me. That’s were the crippling depression comes into play. I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever had a dream, I feel like I’ve been drifting my entire life. There’s never been something I want to do. I don’t really understand dreams or goals, to be honest, I’ve never felt like I had that degree of control over life. I just feel too small, too powerless to even control my life. That’s my biggest flaw. I know that, but I can’t seem to change it. I just try to block out life, most days. And when I do have to confront life, I fake a smile and pretend to be alright, though that may explain why I’m so tired of life. It takes a lot of energy to pretend to be happy when you’re not.