I made this picture a few days ago. It kinda sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. I was going to call it Uninspired Robot, but then I remembered a line from a Jacks Mannequin song, so it’s now Sad Robot.
So I’ve been really, really bored lately. I don’t feel like doing much, but I did manage to make this monstrosity. It’s not particularly appealing, but it’s what I’ve got in me right now. I normally wouldn’t post something I dislike this much, but I haven’t posted anything for a while so here’s this.
Done with GIMP, image is 2560×1440
I’ve always felt like joining a cult would be fun, but the problem I run into is that I don’t think you can really join a cult if you know it’s one going in. Like, I’m fascinated by the idea of structure and the feeling of warmth and love that, presumably, a cult would offer. I also wouldn’t mind being made to feel special again, like I had some secret knowledge no one else did. The weird layers of secrecy and hierarchies of power would all be pleasant enough, though ultimately I feel like I can’t be happy anywhere, so I only think it would last a little while. Then we get to the extreme stuff, the killing, the running away to live on an island, or in the jungle, or somewhere. I can get on board with all of that. I feel like it would be interesting to experience the charisma of someone that could convince you to kill someone for them. That’s awe-inspiring power for another human to have on interpersonal level. Stunning, really. Like I said, though, I don’t think you can join a cult if you know it’s one going in. You can have a pretty negative attitude going in and be convinced, but I feel like thinking the leader possesses some degree of mind control makes you pretty damn defensive going in. My other problem is that I don’t go to meetings, or really any sort of group activity. My loneliness has a higher degree of self-infliction than I like admit, but I just don’t go out enough to meet someone in cult. Nor do I seem like the kind of person that would be worth inviting. I don’t have any really visible signs of how depressed I am or how much of an outsider I am, I let my mind and my thoughts do that for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to join a cult. I guess my suggesting it’s a cult isn’t going to endear me to the group either. I don’t do well with groups generally.