It’s 9:12 PM, the page is blank and I don’t feel like typing. I’ve got nothing to say. I don’t feel anything in my brain. I feel so fucking lost. I feel sick and bloated, dirty. I don’t know why, but I do. I just want to get out of my skin and walk around. I feel so fucking fat and sick.
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.” – Philip K. Dick
I intend to use that quote in a picture. That was my single moment of inspiration for the day. And now, I don’t even feel like working on that. I don’t know, maybe it’s the alcohol; or rather the lack thereof. I just feel fucking disgusting right now. I don’t know why I feel this way.
I just don’t understand what I feel right now. I’m so fucking tired of feeling less than good. I’m so fucking distraught.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. Reality haunts us, forces itself on us against our best laid plans to block it out. Reality is the enemy. Reality is depression, dull, anxious, sad, hollow, empty. My dreams, my thoughts they’re full of brilliance, depth, saturation, beauty, meaning, grandiosity, and magic. They’re interesting and entertaining. I’m fucking lost right now. I’m biting my nails until my fingers hurt. I’m sure I’ll draw blood before I fall asleep. I’m sure I’ll end up with nothing.
“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it doesn’t go away” – Philip K. Dick
All I see right now is white. Blank white space. Both literally and figuratively. Literally, GIMP is open and there’s a blank white layer and nothing else. Figuratively my mind is blank. I have the quote I want to use, but nothing else. I imagine I’ll create something that’s hopefully pretty, eventually, hopefully. Right now though, I don’t have any ideas. I’m just skimming through a table of all my pictures looking for something to start the process of creating, modifying pictures into something new. I’m lost now though. I’m going to lay down for a bit and try to think. I had my first visual thought, it’s a picture of cute dog that I doubt I’ll actually use but it’s a start. I guess the problem I have is deciding what the imagery is to show the delicate balance between reality and insanity or fantasy. There’s three points, one part crazy, one part real, one part fiction. Like a mountain, a peak at the top and two points for the base. I guess a mountain could work, but it just doesn’t feel right.
I woke up this morning and cooked breakfast, that’s not particularly of interest to anyone, but I had the seed of an idea for my picture. A triangle. I thought mountain at first, but then I realized two eyes and a mouth works better as a representation of reality. The picture came together in a matter of minutes. It’s a face that seems to be popping out of nothing, struggling to be. Struggling to determine fact from fiction, reality from insanity. I then spent a couple of hours sorting through all of my fonts and trying to find the right font. After selecting a font I added the text and spent an hour or so positioning the text. Finally, I spend time trying to see the image in a different light from that of a creator who’s seen it all come together. Seeing an image fresh is essential for determining whether something is aesthetically attractive or not. I know how it’s supposed to look, I know how I see the pieces having added them one by one and adjusted their features carefully over hours, but it’s hard to see the whole, forgetting the pieces. I usually let my images sit open on my computer for as long as two days before deciding if it’s done. I need to feel a sense of acceptance with it.
I’m currently in the waiting stage.
I actually like this better without the text, but the quote inspired me so I posting this one first and then I’ll post w/out text later.